CIVILITY AND GRACIOUSNESS

© Rev. Joy Atkinson 2009
Mission Peak Unitarian Universalist Congregation
January 10, 2010

The hymn we just sang together, "There is More Love Somewhere," expresses a wistful longing for a better world, where there is more of the positive - more love, more peace, more hope, more joy. The implication is that the world as it is has less of these qualities than it should. And of course, it's true; there is too much cruelty, abuse, neglect and just plain indifference in this world. A violent shooting leaves many grieving and all of us afraid, a wall is covered in ugly graffiti, harsh language and casually hurled epithets often pass for communication. Random acts of violence and vandalism are certainly not uncommon, and people are often just simply and thoughtlessly uncivil to one another.

Someone once asked Mahatma Gandhi what he thought of Western civilization. "Western civilization?" Gandhi said. "Why, I think it would be a very good idea."

The word "civilization" implies a certain level of civility between people. Clearly, the two words have the same root. Being civil means more than just being polite; it involves awareness about how our behavior affects others. It requires that we intend no harm to another. By this definition, Gandhi himself had been treated to more than a little Western incivility in his lifetime, in his struggles against racial prejudice in South Africa and against British rule in India.

Gandhi's little jab at us Westerners is a point well taken today. Incivility, lack of courtesy, and rudeness are rampant in our culture. People tend to be hurried and abrupt with one another, getting angry at others routinely: behind the wheel, in a bank line, piling into a crowded bus, uttering choice words under their breath or even out loud in situations in which they find themselves thwarted or frustrated. How many of us have found such words rising to our lips when we're frustrated or when we believe we've been crossed by someone?

The incivility of human to human can manifest itself as mere impoliteness, but it can also escalate to shouting matches and even physical violence. Sadly, it happens every day. At the extreme, it can lead to school children going on a shooting spree, to random shootings on the highway, or to atrocious hate crimes.

A few years ago I read a very disconcerting report. In 1940, the report said, educators were asked to name what they thought were the seven biggest discipline problems in public schools. They listed: talking, chewing gum, making noise, running in the halls, wearing improper clothing, getting out of turn in line, and not putting paper in wastebaskets. In 1990, 50 years later, educators came up with a very different list: drug abuse, alcohol use, pregnancy, rape, suicide, robbery and assault. It would seem that incivility, along with other serious social problems, begins early these days.

Incivility is portrayed in many of our modern forms of entertainment. Language in music, films, television and literature is rough and raw, cursing is common, violence is often glorified, and people treat each other disrespectfully, in pursuit of their self-oriented goals. Incivility has become so much the norm that some of the old-fashioned words that denote civility - words like manners, etiquette, courtesy, decorum, propriety and virtue - sound a bit quaint nowadays.

In his book, The Triumph of Meanness, Dr. Nicholas Mills, a professor at Sarah Lawrence College, identifies several factors that may account for our modern crisis of incivility. He mentions economic disparities, disbelief in government as a force for good, the end of the civil-rights movement and the rise of some other movements that promote division instead of reconciliation. He also mentions internet messages instead of face-to-face conversation, and a change in journalistic standards toward tabloid-style probing into the private lives of public figures. One of the factors he mentions is the end of the Cold war and the fall of the Berlin Wall. He says that because the U.S. no longer has external enemies, we have turned to warring among ourselves.

Four years after Mills' book on meanness was published, the events of 9/11 took place, and now many Americans feel that we do have an external enemy in the Al Qaeda terrorists. In case we had forgotten about their potential destructiveness, we had a reminder on Christmas Day two weeks ago, when one would-be terrorist smuggled bomb material onto a plane bound for the States, and began to ignite it. Even our genteel President Obama is now using strong terms like "our enemies" and being "at war" with Al Qaeda in his speeches.

It's true that just after 9/11, we did hear many stories about people's extraordinary kindnesses toward one another. But more than 8 years later, are we really kinder and more civil with one another because feel we have a common enemy? I don't see much evidence that people are more civil since 9/11. I still see an abundance of the kind of symptoms Mills cited in his book 12 years ago: things like growing economic disparities, distrust of government, polarizing groups, diminishing face-to-face contact, tabloid scandals and the popularity of cop shows that feature people being uncivil and vindictive. I don't think having a common enemy really promotes kindness among people, and I would hate to think that our kindness and civility rest on that dubious hope. Rather, I believe, cultivating civility and graciousness in our modern world rests squarely on the shoulders of each one of us.

I believe that much of our everyday rudeness and incivility stems from the widespread stress people feel over of a multitude of personal and global issues. The fact that terrorism has become so much more real to us adds to our stress, and people may be inclined to take it out on each other. But our incivility, I believe, has an even deeper root than stress. It comes from the cult of selfishness, which has become a part of the proverbial American dream. Everything is, as the Beatles once sang, "I, me, and mine." If we could cultivate a sense of "we, us and ours" instead of "I, me and mine," we might hesitate before speaking the unkind word or being unnecessarily abrupt.

A few years ago I was in a group of American Unitarian Universalists and Canadian Unitarians who were attending a conference on conflict management techniques. During one exercise, we were asked to prioritize issues and interests within a hypothetical congregation according to level of importance. What struck me is that every American Unitarian Universalist placed individual interests above those of the whole congregation, and every Canadian Unitarian put the interests of the congregation as a whole at the top. It is very typically American to think of the individual, me, as having rights before considering what is best for the common good. Incivility, I believe, is in large part a result of an over focus on self-interest at the expense of community.

There's a little story told by the poet Carl Sandburg, in which an old farmer from Kansas is standing in his wheat fields one day when a stranger drives up in a covered wagon. The stranger asks the farmer "What kind of people live around here?" The farmer says, "Well what kind of people was there where you just come from?" The stranger answers, "Well I guess they was mostly a low down, lying, thieving, gossiping, backbiting type of folk." "Well, says the farmer, "I guess that's about the kind of folks you'll find around here." The stranger drives off, but soon another stranger appears, and asks the same question: "What kind of folks live around here?" Again the farmer asks, "What kind of folks was there were you come from?" The new stranger says, "Well, they was mostly a decent, friendly, hard-working lot, I reckon." And the farmer says, "Well, I guess that's the kind of folks you'll find around here, too." The point is well taken: we reap what we sow. If we are civil and gracious, we will receive civility and graciousness - not, of course, from everyone, but most people will respond in kind. How we carry ourselves through the world - with lightness and grace, or with a chip on our shoulder; with an openness of mind and heart, or with a private agenda; with the needs of others as part of our consciousness, or with our own selfish needs exclusively in mind - this will affect how others react to us, which in turn will reinforce how we are in the world.

A while ago, I was traveling in Northern California. I bought a few items in a store up in McKinleyville, and as I made my purchase, the cashier, a woman in her upper seventies began chatting with me. She was very talkative, commenting on the items I bought and what kind of a day it was and other trivia. I was in no hurry for once, so I chatted back, in full sentences rather than in one-word acknowledgments. The woman was so appreciative that someone was actually talking to her that she said, "You know, you're very nice to talk to. Most people are so mean. I guess they just haven't got time to talk to an old woman." What she said made me feel good but also little guilty, because I was aware that much of the time I am probably as curt in my responses as most of her other customers are. But her kind words to me have stayed with me ever since, and I realized that it takes very little time or effort to be genuinely friendly rather than efficient, indifferent and self-preoccupied, as so many of us are so much of the time.

That experience got me to thinking about other ways to cultivate civility and social graciousness. I made a list of five steps to a more civil and gracious way of being in the world, steps that I pledged to myself I would try to take, and that I again pledge to myself as the New Year rolls around:

Step 1: As my little encounter with the cashier illustrates, I will try to be friendly and even a bit chatty rather then abrupt and businesslike. In the grand scheme of things it really doesn't take much longer, and a few kind words go a long way.

Step 2: Be careful with language. So much of what is uttered these days in the media and in people's one-to-one encounters is harsh, rough and crude. I hope I am not coming off like a prude here, but I do believe that raw language and cursing may give rise to a meanness of attitude and behavior. And, rather than relieving stress, it may intensify stress and anger. I pledged to myself that I would refrain from cursing, even silently, and when I made this pledge, I became aware that I do it fairly often even if only in my own head ("damn this!" and "blank that!"), as do most of us. When such choice words rise to your lips as the result of some slight on the part of someone else toward you, or when you feel personally thwarted or frustrated, you can use your internal delete button. As much as possible, I've decided to let the screen of my psyche read "expletive deleted."

Step 3: Be slow to anger and quick to apologize. Anger can quickly get the better of us, and can lead to very uncivil behavior. Long ago, Thomas Jefferson advised a good rule for living: "When angry, count to 10 before you speak. If very angry, [count to] an hundred." Hesitating before we burst forth in anger is a worthwhile self-discipline, which can result in a beneficial cooling-off, but it is not always easy. As for apology, I believe apology to be a profoundly spiritual act. It too is not always easy to do; apology requires humility, and sometimes our pride gets in the way. But it is essential for maintaining healthy personal relationships. A sincere apology can also be offered to a stranger as a way of de-escalating a potentially heated exchange.

Step 4: Be mindful of the way I disagree. We can be very gracious and kind, or very uncivil and self-righteous, in the way we express disagreement. Civility requires that we use persuasion rather than emphatically expressing our opinions as the only way to see a situation. How important is it, ultimately, I asked myself, to be seen as right, instead of being regarded as caring and kind?

Step 5: Express gratitude and refraining from excessive complaining. A socially gracious person is a grateful one. Those unhappy souls who are habitually nasty and uncivil toward others tend also to be constant complainers, and they are notably stingy with their expressions of gratitude. Being able to express gratitude for the gifts of life, and to thank others for their gifts and kindnesses to us proceeds naturally from a full heart. I believe that an attitude of gratitude can be cultivated.

When complaints and disappointments arise in your consciousness, as they inevitably will from time to time, you can make a quick mental inventory of some things in your life for which you are grateful. In the long run, I believe, this little exercise can result in greater awareness of your blessings, a kinder disposition, and a more accepting and compassionate stance toward others.

These are five simple steps on the road toward greater civility: being more friendly and less abrupt, checking crude language, being slow to anger and quick to apologize, being mindful of styles of disagreement, and being grateful and expressing thanks. I'm sure you can think of some others as well. I believe that as we practice more civil and socially gracious behavior toward others, we begin to change within ourselves. And that internal change helps us to be happier with ourselves and kinder toward others. Even if no one else seems to notice, we feel better inside.

During the winter holidays that we've just gone through, we can't help but notice that people tend to be more gentle, generous and compassionate with one another, and more grateful for their many blessings. That's a fine start. Perhaps this year we can work on extending that holiday spirit of kindness and generosity throughout the year, and through the rest of our years on this planet. To roughly paraphrase old Ebenezer Scrooge, the champion of incivility, whose conversion to kindness is legendary, "let us pledge to honor the holiday spirit in our hearts, and keep to it all the year long."

Benediction

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